My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
