Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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