forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
