I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
