I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
