friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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