I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
