Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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