I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
