I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
