my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
