goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
