Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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