It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
