Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
