yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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