Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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