Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
