He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
