I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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