but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
