Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
