why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
