Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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