sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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