I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Welp...herpes.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
