get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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