he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
