there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
