A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
