oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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