I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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