beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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