Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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