Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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