haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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