I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
this is an emotional support booty call
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
