So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
