I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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