yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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