Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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