he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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