yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
