I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
