i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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