Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
