i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
