I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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