My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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