Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
