Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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